Monday, May 2, 2011

Unspoken Truths

Monday, May 2, 2011.......

Here are some unspoken truths of how I was raised:

1. Never wallow. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. You are allowed to have a private pity party, but don't let the party last forever. If anyone has ever read Eat, Pray, Love by E. Gilbert, you may become annoyed with the book like I, and some of my friends did, when first reading it. It took me awhile to discover that she wallowed. She didn't try to forget her pain, but embraced it. As soon as I recognized that she wasn't telling herself to get over it right away, I could follow the author's journey and her healing process.

2. Always give to others and I am not talking about being monetary. I'm talking about being sympathetic or empathetic. But what happens when you do this to avoid your own issues? I can tell you; nothing gets addressed. It's easier to get wrapped up with the issues of others so you don't have to focus on what needs fixing or addressing.

Right now, there are several issues I've avoided or have come to a head and I need to address them. I recognize I need to be selfish right at this point in my life, and quite frankly, I don't have anything to give to every person I know.

For this part of my life, I'm going against all unspoken truths. I'm going to be selfish so I can focus on me. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means I know I can't help another the way I'd want to or the way they'd need. I want to give to me.

Don't confuse this post with taking from others because that's not where I'm writing from. In fact, I called a dear friend to discuss (okay, more like vent) about a situation that was put in my lap. Long story short -- someone was trying to make me feel guilty about my inaction (I have been known, at times, not to listen to voice mails unless I'm expecting your call or I know it will not drain me emotionally. This does not necessarily mean they have a lot, or any issues, it usually means I don't want to talk about my life at this particularly time). When I finally listened to the person's voice mail, it was exactly what I expected, nothing of significance. A basic message stating hi, I was driving by your road and thought of you. Nothing more and there never is. Not because they don't have more to share, but we really don't have that type of relationship. However, someone made it a point that I should have listened to this voice mail. Granted, there is something going on in their life, but guess what, I can't give to that person without taking a lot away from me.

I know I've struggled for the longest time on this unspoken truth. Often it has been easier to help others to avoid what's in front of me, but realize if I don't start only giving to me and ones closest to me, I won't focus on solving my problems.


So. Cal. Gal said...

Sometimes you have to be selfish. I don't answer my phone, depending on who it is. It would just bring me down. I return the call when I'm ready to deal with it.

carla said...

I love what so cal gal said and live that as well
sometimes the best thing for all involved is LOTs of self-care.


blueviolet said...

It's a lot easier to just focus on others because it's a distraction, but you're so right. We absolutely have to be selfish and focus on ourselves in order to make the whole picture work. Without healthy centers, the rest of it just collapses anyhow.

Spot said...

Sometimes I don't answer my phone either if I think the person will bring me down or if it's someone who's ego I constantly have to stroke to make them feel better. Those friends are exhausting. You can't give if your own stores are depleted, so do what you need to do. You'll be a better person for it in the end.


Fitness Mom said...

I'm this way too, but I wasn't always. It just makes lie better.

Pearl said...

I'm the same way with voice mails. I've told people, I can see that you've called -- unless you have something specific to say, please don't leave a message saying "Hi, call me!"

Difficult, ain't I.

Yes, there are people who drain you. I actually had to stop taking calls from someone almost two years ago and have never regretted it. Some friendships just aren't good for both sides...



Voices in My Head said...

You have to have periods of selfishness. It's called taking care of your self. You can't truly give to others if you aren't taking care of yourself.

Little Ms Blogger said...

So. Cal Gal - Sometimes I unplug the phone because I just want the peace & quiet. I think I need to be a bit more proactive with turning off technology and may try that very soon.

carla - I agree and have found it hard to do this in the past. However, I need to just do it.

BV - I'm learning this the hard way - my healthy center is not really healthy at the moment.

Spot - You're absolutely right.

Fitness Mom - I have to admit, it's a weird revelation for me, and I'm not completely comfortable, but know it's best for me. It sounds like it was a good decision for you and I'm hoping for the same.

Pearl - When I was dating my husband, he would leave vmails CONSTANTLY just saying hi. I finally told him, unless it's vital don't leave a vmessage, I can see you called and will call you back when I get the chance.

Voices in my Head - True. Very true.

jessicabold said...

RE: Never wallow. My mom was like that with me as well...which has made me into a VERY unsympathetic human being - even with my husband. I struggle with that...with being all, " ok?..." instead of being like, "Do you need to go to the hospital? Are you dying? No? Then YOU'RE FINE." <-- that's me!