Sunday, July 29, 2012

Untitled - Yet Personal.....

I've been working for several months and still struggle with insomnia. I admit, it's not as often as it was when unemployed, but still, it happens.

Last week I went to dinner with a friend, came home and could not fall asleep. I was a bit anxious and couldn't figure out why. As I was thumbing through the t.v. stations I came upon a documentary on HBO: "Hard Times: Lost on Long Island."*

It followed several people who were hit by the Great Recession. They showed candid conversations with people who were unable to pay bills, feared being evicted, talked about how their friends disappeared because they couldn't handle them being unemployed and other issues that come up when there is no money.

It hit a note. I experienced most everything they went through, but didn't know how to really express myself because I was either frustrated or ashamed because I couldn't find a job and couldn't explain why.

Since getting a job, I realize I relate to why my parents (depression kids -- even though I'm a Gen-X kid) thought cash was king, hid money in a coffee can in the refrigerator and liked having extra money in their checking account.

After watching the documentary, I pinned down why I can't sleep some nights. It's fear. The fear of never feeling financially safe. Realizing that bad things happen to good people and this could happen again. The best I can do is take the right steps towards financial freedom and renew my daily meditation practice to help feel calm.

*As part of taking steps towards financial freedom, I worked with my cable provider to lower my bill to match another offer in the area and, in addition, to lowering my bill, I got HBO free for several months.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I Wonder How Old I'll Be Before I'm No Longer Amazed By What People Do.......

The other night as I was in the waiting room for a focus group I was participating in, I was totally shocked by the actions of this woman in the room.

Just imagine you're sitting in a room with complete strangers. It's totally silent. People are thumbing through magazines and then BLAM 'No Boundaries Lady' enters the room.

This woman is talking loudly on her cell phone not noticing 12 other people are in the room sitting in absolute silence. I've seen where people enter a room while talking, but quickly finish up their conversation. But not this lady. In fact, she got louder and would often pull the phone away to look at a text message she received as she was talking.

It wasn't that she was talking on a cell phone in a room where no else was talking, it is the conversation she was having that made several of us look up at one another in complete shock.

She was talking about someone's child she knew that had just drowned in a pool. Totally oblivious to how loud and how personal she was getting. It was somewhat disturbing to be in the middle of such a conversation. She was clearly upset which led to my ultimate thought/observation: Why are you even here?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Living in My Own Episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive..or Why I know I'll Never Own 43 Cats.......

Here in the U.S., we are slammed with every conceivable t.v. show imaginable. There are shows based upon families with multiple children, others about brides who are bat-shit crazy and truckers who drive long distances on ice in the dead of winter to deliver their shipments. I know I blogged in the past about a show entitled Hoarders and how watching it made me want to clean my house (I later made the connection that the people they profiled typically had multiple cats which are always found dead under stacks of rubble and realize if you own more than 40 cats you'll more than likely end up on the show).

While Hoarders is a show that amazes me (they usually cart away 8 tons of garbage in just 2 days) I've decided there has to be at least 400+ people for every house they profile to ensure it's clean in 48 hours.

Wait... I'm getting distracted. I want to tell you why I feel as though I'm one of the people profiled on Hoarders: Buried Alive (okay, not really because I don't own 43 cats, but I do have a room that is jammed packed).

When I found out I got a job in April and could work out of the house, I asked my husband to make a multi-shelf bookcase. It's July 1st and my dining room is still crammed packed, BUT the bookcase is finally painted. It's not completely dry and the room is covered with drop cloths (which my husband has promised will be put away tonight along with his painting implements and other stuff before I start work tomorrow), but I'm just thrilled it's finally painted.

I admit I'm a bit to blame, but I think his confidence in how long it would take was exceedingly high. I think he was under the impression it would take a day to cut the wood - a couple of hours to put together and a couple of hours to paint the case -- ummmm...NO! My husband is very handy, but I think he may have been watching too many home improvement shows where every home project is completed under 30 minutes.

I have to wait for the shelves to dry before putting things in its place and with the humidity as high as it is in CT, I'm not taking any chances. I'm going to double the normal waiting time before putting the office back together. I'm just hoping things are back in place before the end of the month because I'm starting to lose my mind.

With everything in the room I have to walk through to get to every room in the house, I've noticed how living in clutter, over a really long time, depresses the hell out of me. I can now see how most of the people they profile on the show feel defeated and don't know where to start. I have gone through everything and although the clutter is organized, I still have to maneuver through the room to pass through.

I'm just thankful I don't own 43 cats because I know I may not see them in between the stacks of books and office supplies on and under the table....And as my husband just said: "You don't want to find a flat cat".