Friday, July 3, 2009...
Yeah, I wrote 1945. No mistake.
Several months ago, I discovered the most revered book in my parents' home Etiquette by Emily Post. I say revered because mom would always tell us to refer to Emily for the burning holiday questions (e.g. how to properly set the table, do you pass both the salt & pepper, ya know, stuff that will solve all the problems for world peace).
I thought this holiday weekend, I would share some of Emily's knowledge to ensure that you don't become a total social misfit, outcast or ass at a friend's house.
I've selected what I believe to be invaluable information (a.k.a. stuff you'd never need to know in today's world or really pointless crap).
1. What You Should Do When Presented With Food That is Difficult to Eat: According to EP, her list was insanely long. Seriously, if I eliminated the difficult food list group out of my diet, I'd be left with only water because bread made the list.
Out of her list, I'm only going to address Removing Bones, Pits, and Seeds - By Mouth because I personally love to just spit my watermelon pits out on the ground (as a kid it was at my nearest sibling). According to EP, I'm wrong. I know you're shocked. You need to eat the pits and seeds until clean and drop them into your cupped fist and then onto plate.
2. How to Picnic: To summarize EP, stuffed cold eggs are better than just plain cold eggs (note: eggs need to be wrapped in waxed paper), make 3 sandwich varieties, never let anyone make their own sandwich - too messy. Basically, EP states that everything is to be neatly wrapped and labeled. Anything used must be able to be burned. She mentions several times how important it is to burn everything. I'm wondering if she was a pyro?
3. Chaperons: Any single female and under the age of 30 needs to bring her chaperon to the party and meet your man there. Apparently, it is just wrong for a woman to be alone. However, if you do, remember you may be risking your reputation and be considered a tart.
This book cracks me up. I'm not sure if it's the archaic rules or the titles (e.g., skin absorbs, Golden shower, a man's bundle or how a poor man can take out a girl). There is even a specific section for visiting Washington D.C.
Remember, ugly manners make bad guests. Please remember to burn all plate ware. If you hosts asks why he/she has to call the fire department, just tell them EP told you to.